That is what I feel like I am living in. There are always negative people saying negative things. That is a part of life and I learned that fact very young. This is not something that has changed as I have gotten older. I always remember my parents and my teachers advising me on the importance of being kind to people. Let's face it, you will always encounter people that you do not agree with for one reason or another and at some point you will let that be known. We are all human. But I'll be damned if I do not take the time to try to understand a differing point of view or a new experience. When I began my BRCA journey, I did not tell a soul. I did not even tell my boyfriend that I had tested positive for the gene mutation. I was 19, in college, and I was worried about my mom's next chemotherapy appointment and what I would wear on my next date. The only other person that I knew with a BRCA gene mutation was my mom (and presumably my grandmother). I did nothing with this information for years. Then I was a young woman of 23, in law school, when I decided to reach out. I searched for BRCA and breast cancer support groups. I wanted to find other women just like me. I hit the jackpot. I came across the BRCA Sisterhood which then led me to Beyond the Pink Moon and well, the rest is history. What did I learn on these websites? Well, first, I learned that I was not alone. I learned that many men and women dealt with hereditary cancer and made many different decisions with regard to their health. The other thing that I learned was that everyone is different. This is a lesson that I continue to learn every single day.
I decided to have my healthy, albeit dangerous, breasts removed only to be replaced by uncomfortable implants and cushioned with fat from my own thighs. I went through four surgeries and am coming up on my fifth surgery all to avoid breast cancer. I went through breast reconstruction that slowly stretched the skin and muscle in my chest to make room for my new implants. My chest is seared with scars. I have numbness and nerve pain in my chest, my back, and my arms. But this was my decision and I do not regret it at all. I could have very easily kept this decision private. I could have only told those closest to me and no one would have ever known. And you know what, it is okay to maintain your privacy if you wish to do so. But I decided to go public with my story. I thought back to that 19 year old girl who was terrified to lose her mom to cancer and that felt alone. I thought that sharing my story could educate others about BRCA, hereditary cancers, risk factors, etc. I never once thought that I would be both privately and publicly chastised for my personal decision and my subsequent decision to share my journey with others.
Going back to that lesson that I continue to learn...We are all human. The beauty in being human is that we are all very different. We come from very different backgrounds, we all have different experiences, we all think differently, and personally, I think this is what makes humans so beautiful. Here is where the alternate universe comes into play. We treat each other terribly despite our unique beauty. This applies everywhere but I am noticing it more and more in the cancer community. I actively follow women and men that I meet online through their cancer journeys, whether they be a patient, someone seeking preventative measures, or even a caregiver. The most notable thing about each of these individuals is that they are all so very different. Some of them face their cancer with humor, some are filled with fear, others remain quiet about it, and some rely on their faith to get them through it all. Each person has their "thing." My "thing" was humor. I got through and continue to get through each day with my humor. I try to find that silver lining in every dark cloud. I do not believe in a G-d. I believe in science and I believe in my physicians. Pink ribbons drive me crazy at times because they are often slapped on products linked to cancer, but then again I have a pink ribbon tattooed on my ribcage. Should people be more mindful of the pink products that they buy? Yes, they should. But hey, sometimes these products start a conversation that could lead to wonderful things; hell, I buy pink pens quite regularly. I once spoke to a stranger at the grocery store who was buying reusable shopping bags with pink ribbons plastered all over them and asked if her life had been affected by breast cancer. She divulged that she had never known someone affected by the disease (I know, shocking!) but that this was the only way she knew to give back. That tiny interaction led to a conversation about different organizations that could use the donations more than a multi-million grocery chain. I guess the point that I am trying to make is that someone is reading this right now and is disagreeing with me. But that is okay. There was an OB/GYN who recently underwent a mastectomy, Deb Cohen, and in the operating room she and her medical team had a fabulous dance party. I watched the viral video and I cried like a baby. Is she a better patient for dancing prior to her surgery rather than a patient that is wheeled into the OR terrified and praying for his/her life? No. But it is beautiful to watch people approach a scary time in their lives being unapologetically themselves. Is a blogger who shares every excruciating detail of her metastatic, stage IV breast cancer seeking sympathy or sharing too much? Of course not. That blogger is educating others and sharing information that people need to hear and often do not. Most of us do not realize that writing about these very personal experiences may be therapeutic for that person and we should respect that. We all have different ways of dealing with these difficulties that we face in life.
I think that those of us in the cancer community and those who know people affected by cancer--or anything else really, need to be mindful. As a woman who is proudly a part of a growing community of male and female survivors and previvors, I feel that it is important to applaud everyone who is enduring something, whatever that may be. I will not judge you for the way that you decide to handle what you are going through. I will not belittle you for your "you-ness." If someone shares their personal story and you do not necessarily agree with it or you do not want to read it, well, then don't read it! If it pisses you off to see a woman dancing in the operating room; don't watch it. These quirks make those people who they are and one would assume that they find peace in what they are doing. So, who are we to take that away from another person? Why do we as women, want so badly to be respected and advocated for, but turn around and tear each other down? Why do we as humans find something wrong with the way that someone chooses to express themselves or with the way that they are born and then act shocked when someone commits suicide? Wake up. These are not the things that matter. What matters is that people respect one another and embrace the differences among the human race.
I have heard every negative remark in the book with regard to my personal journey and fortunately I am able to let things go easily. I find peace in knowing that maybe, just maybe, my sacrifice of privacy has served as a beacon of hope for someone else. Just as seeing someone facing surgery following a diagnosis and dancing in that moment, inspires me to be myself, unapologetically. Just as witnessing a woman enduring never-ending and painful treatment for terminal cancer also brings me hope, by teaching me more about these metastatic cancers and motivating me to teach others and raise further awareness. Both women exude grace and strength, both women do so very differently, and the beauty is in those differences.
I think that Ellen DeGeneres says it best when she closes her show with: "Be kind to one another." Please.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Friday, January 11, 2013
Daddy's Little Girl.
24 years ago I cut my daughter's umbilical cord and welcomed her to this earthly run. Today, after reading her blog and the responses coming from all over the world, I feel compelled to address her issue of breast cancer; but from her dad's perspective.
For the sake of brevity, she watched her mother receive a diagnosis of stage 3 breast cancer and undergo a bilateral mastectomy and chemotherapy. Carly's mother was found to have the BRCA1 gene mutation, which is hereditary. Her grandmother and various other relatives had endured this insidious interruption of their lives.
My daughter was raised with all of the knowledge that two parents could impart on a child. But using this was all on her. When asked if Carly wanted to be tested for a BRCA1 gene mutation, she researched the known literature and asked a lot of questions of the Kaiser staff and the previvor groups who had a well seated foundation on the subject.
She came to her mother and I after arriving at her well-informed decision and announced that she was going to undergo a preventative mastectomy. Since she was young and healthy it would require no chemo, radiation, or any other treatment and reconstruction could begin immediately. I won't bore you with the known statistics but this surgery would essentially give her a normal lifespan. Still, the emotions that a dad feels wanted to say: "No, baby, it sounds dangerous and you are not even sick." Then I realized that it was not about me and how I felt, it was about a grown young woman taking her strong place in the world. I remember her pointing to her chest and saying, "Dad, these are not going to kill me." All of this while in the middle of law school. I cannot express, in total, my gratefulness to have been blessed with such a wonderful daughter and the world with such a wonderful and brave person. Never once has she complained nor tried to gain sympathy. She saw a potential problem and she fixed it.
People are so quick to write this world off but I see it in no danger with my little girl and other informed and brave people who have made this a public forum so others may benefit. She has completed almost all of her surgeries and is doing great in law school. I am so proud of you Carly and I am so glad that I am your Dad. I love you, honey. -Dad
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
All I Want for Christmas...
Wow! It has now been a little over 5 months since my prophylactic mastectomy. The last 5 months consisted of a full time class schedule in law school, numerous appointments, expansions, and a lot of naps.
I do not think that anyone could have prepared me for what I was getting myself into. Every two weeks throughout the semester I had fluid added to my expanders which would typically leave me in pain for the two days following. Normally, that would be doable however my life is not normal. Attending class and studying for exams while in pain was not enjoyable by any means. But I did it. I received my final grades and ended up receiving my highest grades yet.
Even more exciting than high grades: new boobs! I never in a million years thought that I would be getting breast implants. I also never thought that I would be getting breast implants as a result of breast reconstruction. But what takes the cake: I never thought that I would be so excited about having surgery. I finished finals and had 5 days to prepare for surgery. Those were the longest 5 days of my life. I was in constant pain from my expanders and I was so excited to get rid of them and to be comfortable again.
I arrived at the surgery center on the morning of my surgery absolutely exhausted. I spent the night before anxiously thinking about my new ladies. Would they look too big? Would I be in as much pain as before? Would the fat grafting be successful? Would they even look natural? Well, more on the results later. Once I was prepped for surgery, I was lying in pre-op waiting for my surgeon to finish his first surgery when I was approached by a very smiley nurse. I should mention that my nurse was very nice but had a very dry personality. I actually really liked her. She seemed like a realist; I liked that. Anyway, my nurse and I were sitting in the pre-op room just chatting and poking fun at a number of things when another nurse entered the room. This nurse was very cheerful, almost too cheerful for 0800. She grabbed my hand, which I thought was really bizarre, and she began to tell me about her sister. She told me that her sister was an art professor at a very prestigious art school (the name of which I cannot remember now). Apparently her sister was very intrigued by the human anatomy and the many colors of flesh, tissue, muscle, etc. So, the nurse asked if her sister had my permission to observe my surgery. I immediately said yes-- no questions asked. She then told me that she would not take photos, notes, or draw in the operating room. Not a problem. My doctor approved it and the nurse and her sister thanked me, telling me that I had given them the greatest Christmas present. For those of you who do not know me well, Christmas is my obsession. I love everything about the holiday but most of all, I love to give to others. The gratitude that people exude and the look on people's faces when you give to them... There's nothing like it. I teared up a little when she told me how grateful they were because I was able to give back to someone else in a completely unexpected way, all as a result of my journey. Next, my plastic surgeon came in and began to draw on me. He noted a large bruise that I had on my arm; I admitted that I had been goofing around post-finals after drinking a little too much whiskey. Expecting to be scolded, he laughed and showed me a scar on his head and told me that whiskey was to blame. So, this morning was shaping up to be quite interesting. After Dr. Sinow left the room, I do not remember much.
I woke up from surgery extremely thirsty and wanting to see my parents and Alessandro. The nurse sat me up and helped me drink some water. I remember telling her that my pain was at a 3 (out of 10) and she handed me two Percocet followed by a dose of Dilaudid. I had zero pain after that. Dr. Sinow came in to check on me and told me that everything went great and that he had to put in smaller implants than expected. I cried. He left and I got to see my family. They put me in my spandex girdle and put my clothes on me and sent me on my way. I spent the rest of the day sleeping off the anesthesia.
The next day I decided to peek at my new boobies. Holy moly! They were huge! As the swelling has dissipated I am able to see what they will look like. I love them. I feel so lucky to have the surgeon that I do. I find myself staring at them often. They are a great size, they are symmetrical, they are soft, the incisions look great, and I can only imagine how great they will look once I have my nipple reconstruction.
I am almost 2 weeks post-op and I feel great, despite an acute sinus infection. I was able to celebrate Christmas with loved ones, as well as New Year's Eve. This recovery was a piece of cake compared to my first surgery. My chest burned which is typical after fat grafting but I had no really bad pain. What hurt more were my legs. The fat was removed from my thighs through an incision on my hips which proved to be quite painful. However, I feel about 90% as I sit here today. I am hoping to be 100% in 12 days when I start school again.
As I reflect on my decision to undergo these surgeries, I could not be happier. I know that I made the right decision. A family/work friend of my mom and I has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. When she told me, my stomach sank. It brought back many emotions. She was diagnosed almost exactly 5 years after my mom. I was sitting in my doctor's office waiting for my post-op appointment when she told me the news and it took everything in my power not to burst into tears. Fortunately, her prognosis seems positive. She is a young and bright attorney who has seen a lot of success. She has become a mentor to me. Even more so now; she will be a breast cancer survivor, a warrior. I am reminded that cancer does not discriminate. It does not care what your plans are, it does not always care about your age, your profession, or your schedule. Yes, I had a higher chance due to my genetic mutation, but even with the general population statistics, breast cancer does not abide by the rules.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I made the right choice and I sit here almost completely put back together feeling empowered. I feel as though it is my time. I only have 3 semesters left of law school and once I am finished, I hope to change lives. I cannot wait to share my life and my story with others and to make a difference in the way that I know best, through advocacy.
Thank you to all of my friends, my family, and my amazing boyfriend for supporting me throughout the last year. In exactly 7 days it will be one year since I met a surgeon who would change my life. He supported my decision to become a previvor and provided me with amazing results. From here I will continue to heal, I will have the final touches completed, and I will begin physical therapy with a lymphedema specialist. Here's to 2013! I am so excited to see what the future has to offer as I may now face it without the looming cloud that used to be breast cancer.
I do not think that anyone could have prepared me for what I was getting myself into. Every two weeks throughout the semester I had fluid added to my expanders which would typically leave me in pain for the two days following. Normally, that would be doable however my life is not normal. Attending class and studying for exams while in pain was not enjoyable by any means. But I did it. I received my final grades and ended up receiving my highest grades yet.
Even more exciting than high grades: new boobs! I never in a million years thought that I would be getting breast implants. I also never thought that I would be getting breast implants as a result of breast reconstruction. But what takes the cake: I never thought that I would be so excited about having surgery. I finished finals and had 5 days to prepare for surgery. Those were the longest 5 days of my life. I was in constant pain from my expanders and I was so excited to get rid of them and to be comfortable again.
I arrived at the surgery center on the morning of my surgery absolutely exhausted. I spent the night before anxiously thinking about my new ladies. Would they look too big? Would I be in as much pain as before? Would the fat grafting be successful? Would they even look natural? Well, more on the results later. Once I was prepped for surgery, I was lying in pre-op waiting for my surgeon to finish his first surgery when I was approached by a very smiley nurse. I should mention that my nurse was very nice but had a very dry personality. I actually really liked her. She seemed like a realist; I liked that. Anyway, my nurse and I were sitting in the pre-op room just chatting and poking fun at a number of things when another nurse entered the room. This nurse was very cheerful, almost too cheerful for 0800. She grabbed my hand, which I thought was really bizarre, and she began to tell me about her sister. She told me that her sister was an art professor at a very prestigious art school (the name of which I cannot remember now). Apparently her sister was very intrigued by the human anatomy and the many colors of flesh, tissue, muscle, etc. So, the nurse asked if her sister had my permission to observe my surgery. I immediately said yes-- no questions asked. She then told me that she would not take photos, notes, or draw in the operating room. Not a problem. My doctor approved it and the nurse and her sister thanked me, telling me that I had given them the greatest Christmas present. For those of you who do not know me well, Christmas is my obsession. I love everything about the holiday but most of all, I love to give to others. The gratitude that people exude and the look on people's faces when you give to them... There's nothing like it. I teared up a little when she told me how grateful they were because I was able to give back to someone else in a completely unexpected way, all as a result of my journey. Next, my plastic surgeon came in and began to draw on me. He noted a large bruise that I had on my arm; I admitted that I had been goofing around post-finals after drinking a little too much whiskey. Expecting to be scolded, he laughed and showed me a scar on his head and told me that whiskey was to blame. So, this morning was shaping up to be quite interesting. After Dr. Sinow left the room, I do not remember much.
I woke up from surgery extremely thirsty and wanting to see my parents and Alessandro. The nurse sat me up and helped me drink some water. I remember telling her that my pain was at a 3 (out of 10) and she handed me two Percocet followed by a dose of Dilaudid. I had zero pain after that. Dr. Sinow came in to check on me and told me that everything went great and that he had to put in smaller implants than expected. I cried. He left and I got to see my family. They put me in my spandex girdle and put my clothes on me and sent me on my way. I spent the rest of the day sleeping off the anesthesia.
The next day I decided to peek at my new boobies. Holy moly! They were huge! As the swelling has dissipated I am able to see what they will look like. I love them. I feel so lucky to have the surgeon that I do. I find myself staring at them often. They are a great size, they are symmetrical, they are soft, the incisions look great, and I can only imagine how great they will look once I have my nipple reconstruction.
I am almost 2 weeks post-op and I feel great, despite an acute sinus infection. I was able to celebrate Christmas with loved ones, as well as New Year's Eve. This recovery was a piece of cake compared to my first surgery. My chest burned which is typical after fat grafting but I had no really bad pain. What hurt more were my legs. The fat was removed from my thighs through an incision on my hips which proved to be quite painful. However, I feel about 90% as I sit here today. I am hoping to be 100% in 12 days when I start school again.
As I reflect on my decision to undergo these surgeries, I could not be happier. I know that I made the right decision. A family/work friend of my mom and I has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. When she told me, my stomach sank. It brought back many emotions. She was diagnosed almost exactly 5 years after my mom. I was sitting in my doctor's office waiting for my post-op appointment when she told me the news and it took everything in my power not to burst into tears. Fortunately, her prognosis seems positive. She is a young and bright attorney who has seen a lot of success. She has become a mentor to me. Even more so now; she will be a breast cancer survivor, a warrior. I am reminded that cancer does not discriminate. It does not care what your plans are, it does not always care about your age, your profession, or your schedule. Yes, I had a higher chance due to my genetic mutation, but even with the general population statistics, breast cancer does not abide by the rules.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I made the right choice and I sit here almost completely put back together feeling empowered. I feel as though it is my time. I only have 3 semesters left of law school and once I am finished, I hope to change lives. I cannot wait to share my life and my story with others and to make a difference in the way that I know best, through advocacy.
Thank you to all of my friends, my family, and my amazing boyfriend for supporting me throughout the last year. In exactly 7 days it will be one year since I met a surgeon who would change my life. He supported my decision to become a previvor and provided me with amazing results. From here I will continue to heal, I will have the final touches completed, and I will begin physical therapy with a lymphedema specialist. Here's to 2013! I am so excited to see what the future has to offer as I may now face it without the looming cloud that used to be breast cancer.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
5k.
I am so incredibly excited! This year, since it would not be very easy to participate in the Susan G. Komen 3-Day due to law school, I have decided to run in the Komen Race for the Cure. It has now been 7 weeks since surgery and while I run more than a 5k on my workout days, I am feeling as though this run will be very special even though it is short. I am running as a changed woman for all of the women in my family affected by this disease, as well as my friends, and now I have a new group of women that I will be running for. To my fellow Pink Moon Lovelies, I will be carrying each of your stories in my heart as I run.
I set a low fundraising goal because I know that times are tough for others. I am almost to my goal which would provide one potentially lifesaving diagnostic mammogram. I just wanted people to know about this event so that they could potentially participate and/or to let others know that I'm still in this fight! Thank you to everyone who has continued to cheer me on throughout my own recovery so that I am able to inspire and inform others. I could not have done this without that support!
http://sandiego.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SAN_SanDiegoAffiliate?px=5590842&pg=personal&fr_id=2601
I set a low fundraising goal because I know that times are tough for others. I am almost to my goal which would provide one potentially lifesaving diagnostic mammogram. I just wanted people to know about this event so that they could potentially participate and/or to let others know that I'm still in this fight! Thank you to everyone who has continued to cheer me on throughout my own recovery so that I am able to inspire and inform others. I could not have done this without that support!
http://sandiego.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SAN_SanDiegoAffiliate?px=5590842&pg=personal&fr_id=2601
Saturday, August 25, 2012
I did it!
To begin, I really wanted to post a while ago but I was having trouble with my energy level. But finally, I am able to write. What a whirlwind these last four weeks have been! Here is the play by play!
July 25th, the morning of my surgery came faster than I could have ever imagined. To begin, I thought that I would have a difficult time going to bed the night before and I actually fell asleep with no problem. Check in was at 0530 so I was up at 0400 to shower and get ready. True to my typical self, I straightened my hair and tried to look as presentable as I possibly could for 0530. My Mom, my Dad, Alessandro, my boyfriend for those who do not know, and I all traveled to the hospital. Once I got into the admitting office my nerves set in. Until that point I truly had not felt any signs of nervousness. I was quickly checked in and swept away to pre-op. At this point I was alone. I had to change into my gown and booties, get my IV put in, and answer more questions than I could comprehend. Then they let my family come back and see me. First, my Dad came back. He made sure that I was comfortable, gave me a hug, kissed me and told me that he loved me. Next, my Mom came in. My Mom hugged me, and in typical fashion, she scratched my scalp and rubbed my hair. Then she started to tell me that she was so proud of me and I finally broke down and began to cry. I just could not stop thinking about how sad she might have felt because the gene was passed to me from her. I could not help but feel like she might have felt guilty. I got through the tears and felt at ease after a few minutes of conversation and she left. Next came Alessandro. No person has ever been able to make me feel so comfortable in any situation. He stayed with me in pre-op until they took me back for surgery. My plastic surgeon and general surgeon both came in to see me and then my plastic surgeon drew on me, marking where all of the cuts were to be made. Both of my doctors were and have continued to be absolutely incredible. After my plastic surgeon left, my nurse came in and gave me a "margarita". I don't really remember it relaxing me too much but I am sure that it did more than I thought at the time. They also gave me a hand full of medications to prevent nausea, as well as a patch on my ear to prevent further nausea during the days after the surgery. I said goodbye to Alessandro at this point and they rolled me back into the operating room at around 0730. I very clearly remember being in the operating room. I climbed onto the operating table on my own and listened as all of the nurses introduced themselves to my doctors. My general surgeon patted my leg and she really put me at ease. One of the nurses sat by my side and was holding my hand and asking me questions about my surgery. Right after that, I remember my anesthesiologist, who was also incredible, putting the oxygen mask on my face and telling me that it was oxygen only. He lied. I remember smelling a weird scent for about 30 seconds and the next thing that I remember is waking up.
Unfortunately the surgery did not go as planned. Prior to the surgery, it had been decided that they would not perform a lymph node biopsy because my MRI was normal. However, when they began the mastectomy, they noticed that my lymph nodes were abnormal. My surgeon began to dissect the nodes from my left arm because they were black. At this point they feared the worst, they believed that I had melanoma. It was not until two days later that it was determined that it was actually black pigment from my breast cancer tattoo that is on my ribs, talk about ironic. Dr. Kudva ended up removing 8 lymph nodes and they continued with the surgery. I remember very clearly waking up. Dr. Kudva told me about my lymph nodes and I broke down into tears. One would think that I was upset over the possibility of having melanoma, but no, I was crying and pleading with my doctors to not let me get lymphedema. Oh the joys of pain medication. Other than that complication the surgery went well. My breast tissue was given the all clear by pathology and my expanders were put into place and filled with 100ml of fluid each which is about an A cup on my body. The next thing that I remember is being in post-op, asking for ice to eat, and telling jokes. I asked my parents later what I was saying and apparently I was in great spirits and telling all of the nurses why I had the surgery and all of the statistics behind it. I am just glad that I was not a problem patient.
Once I arrived home I got comfortable in bed, I welcomed visitors and then I napped. The first few days are a little blurry for me now but I do remember those who called and visited me and hanging out with my family and Alessandro. Soon after I arrived home my room was filled with beautiful flowers and I was surrounded with love. I never really had any severe pain, I was mostly sore and uncomfortable. I had moments of frustration where I would break down and cry because I am not one that likes to ask others for help. Other than that, my recovery was extremely uneventful and went rather smoothly. The biggest annoyance for me, and typically for others, were the drains. Luckily, I had my drains removed after 8 full days. I went to all of my post-op appointments and got the all clear from my doctors. There were no signs of infection and everything looked great. It only took about 10 days for me to be completely off of the medication, and I only used Tylenol for about 5 days after that. 2 weeks after my surgery I celebrated my 24th birthday. This birthday was so much more special. Without the fear of cancer hanging over me I truly felt as though this was the first new year of the rest of my life.
3 weeks after surgery I saw my plastic surgeon for a check up and he gave me the all clear to start exercising again and now that I am able to run, I feel great. I also began my second year of law school during the third week. It was very difficult to adjust and I am still adjusting but I feel more and more like myself every day.
It has now been 4 weeks since my surgery and I feel great. My incisions are already hardly visible and faint scars are beginning to set in. I will begin using a medical grade silicone treatment to further treat my scars. This coming Monday, the 27th of August, I will have my first expansion. I am really anxious to continue with this process and to see the end result. However, for now I am mostly occupied by my studies.
Throughout this surgery I learned a lot. I learned a lot about friendship and family. I am so grateful for the support and love that I received from every single person and I am also grateful for the support that I expected but that I did not receive. It is in moments like this that you really learn who will always be there for you. This has been such a valuable lesson to me. I also learned that I have the most loving and loyal boyfriend. I only hope that every one can experience such unconditional love and caring in their lifetime. In addition, the feeling of relief that I am already experiencing is incredible. Reducing my risk of breast cancer by 90% was the best gift that I have ever given myself and I do not regret it one bit. I have been stared at in public and I have had people say extremely insensitive things to me but it does not even bother me, because I have given myself a chance at life free of worry. I also learned a lot about myself. I had never experienced a major surgery nor had I ever endured such a potentially painful procedure. While it may not be easy for others, and I do recognize that, this surgery and recovery were rather easy on me. I learned that my pain tolerance is extremely high and I am truly proud of myself. I made it through the hard part and I know that the other procedures will be a lot easier.
On November 4th I will be running in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. I will be running the 5k with a whole new outlook on life. Once I get the information together I will post it for those who would like to run it with me or for those who would like to donate. At the same time I will also begin physical therapy for my left arm. As of now, I do not have much feeling in my arm and it is visibly swollen. Physical therapy will help manage the lymphedema and will help me to learn to deal with the nerve damage.
Lastly, thank you to all of my friends and family for all of your unwavering love and support. There is no way that I could have gotten through this without each and every one of you. Sitting here today, I know that I made the right decision for me.
July 25th, the morning of my surgery came faster than I could have ever imagined. To begin, I thought that I would have a difficult time going to bed the night before and I actually fell asleep with no problem. Check in was at 0530 so I was up at 0400 to shower and get ready. True to my typical self, I straightened my hair and tried to look as presentable as I possibly could for 0530. My Mom, my Dad, Alessandro, my boyfriend for those who do not know, and I all traveled to the hospital. Once I got into the admitting office my nerves set in. Until that point I truly had not felt any signs of nervousness. I was quickly checked in and swept away to pre-op. At this point I was alone. I had to change into my gown and booties, get my IV put in, and answer more questions than I could comprehend. Then they let my family come back and see me. First, my Dad came back. He made sure that I was comfortable, gave me a hug, kissed me and told me that he loved me. Next, my Mom came in. My Mom hugged me, and in typical fashion, she scratched my scalp and rubbed my hair. Then she started to tell me that she was so proud of me and I finally broke down and began to cry. I just could not stop thinking about how sad she might have felt because the gene was passed to me from her. I could not help but feel like she might have felt guilty. I got through the tears and felt at ease after a few minutes of conversation and she left. Next came Alessandro. No person has ever been able to make me feel so comfortable in any situation. He stayed with me in pre-op until they took me back for surgery. My plastic surgeon and general surgeon both came in to see me and then my plastic surgeon drew on me, marking where all of the cuts were to be made. Both of my doctors were and have continued to be absolutely incredible. After my plastic surgeon left, my nurse came in and gave me a "margarita". I don't really remember it relaxing me too much but I am sure that it did more than I thought at the time. They also gave me a hand full of medications to prevent nausea, as well as a patch on my ear to prevent further nausea during the days after the surgery. I said goodbye to Alessandro at this point and they rolled me back into the operating room at around 0730. I very clearly remember being in the operating room. I climbed onto the operating table on my own and listened as all of the nurses introduced themselves to my doctors. My general surgeon patted my leg and she really put me at ease. One of the nurses sat by my side and was holding my hand and asking me questions about my surgery. Right after that, I remember my anesthesiologist, who was also incredible, putting the oxygen mask on my face and telling me that it was oxygen only. He lied. I remember smelling a weird scent for about 30 seconds and the next thing that I remember is waking up.
Unfortunately the surgery did not go as planned. Prior to the surgery, it had been decided that they would not perform a lymph node biopsy because my MRI was normal. However, when they began the mastectomy, they noticed that my lymph nodes were abnormal. My surgeon began to dissect the nodes from my left arm because they were black. At this point they feared the worst, they believed that I had melanoma. It was not until two days later that it was determined that it was actually black pigment from my breast cancer tattoo that is on my ribs, talk about ironic. Dr. Kudva ended up removing 8 lymph nodes and they continued with the surgery. I remember very clearly waking up. Dr. Kudva told me about my lymph nodes and I broke down into tears. One would think that I was upset over the possibility of having melanoma, but no, I was crying and pleading with my doctors to not let me get lymphedema. Oh the joys of pain medication. Other than that complication the surgery went well. My breast tissue was given the all clear by pathology and my expanders were put into place and filled with 100ml of fluid each which is about an A cup on my body. The next thing that I remember is being in post-op, asking for ice to eat, and telling jokes. I asked my parents later what I was saying and apparently I was in great spirits and telling all of the nurses why I had the surgery and all of the statistics behind it. I am just glad that I was not a problem patient.
Once I arrived home I got comfortable in bed, I welcomed visitors and then I napped. The first few days are a little blurry for me now but I do remember those who called and visited me and hanging out with my family and Alessandro. Soon after I arrived home my room was filled with beautiful flowers and I was surrounded with love. I never really had any severe pain, I was mostly sore and uncomfortable. I had moments of frustration where I would break down and cry because I am not one that likes to ask others for help. Other than that, my recovery was extremely uneventful and went rather smoothly. The biggest annoyance for me, and typically for others, were the drains. Luckily, I had my drains removed after 8 full days. I went to all of my post-op appointments and got the all clear from my doctors. There were no signs of infection and everything looked great. It only took about 10 days for me to be completely off of the medication, and I only used Tylenol for about 5 days after that. 2 weeks after my surgery I celebrated my 24th birthday. This birthday was so much more special. Without the fear of cancer hanging over me I truly felt as though this was the first new year of the rest of my life.
3 weeks after surgery I saw my plastic surgeon for a check up and he gave me the all clear to start exercising again and now that I am able to run, I feel great. I also began my second year of law school during the third week. It was very difficult to adjust and I am still adjusting but I feel more and more like myself every day.
It has now been 4 weeks since my surgery and I feel great. My incisions are already hardly visible and faint scars are beginning to set in. I will begin using a medical grade silicone treatment to further treat my scars. This coming Monday, the 27th of August, I will have my first expansion. I am really anxious to continue with this process and to see the end result. However, for now I am mostly occupied by my studies.
Throughout this surgery I learned a lot. I learned a lot about friendship and family. I am so grateful for the support and love that I received from every single person and I am also grateful for the support that I expected but that I did not receive. It is in moments like this that you really learn who will always be there for you. This has been such a valuable lesson to me. I also learned that I have the most loving and loyal boyfriend. I only hope that every one can experience such unconditional love and caring in their lifetime. In addition, the feeling of relief that I am already experiencing is incredible. Reducing my risk of breast cancer by 90% was the best gift that I have ever given myself and I do not regret it one bit. I have been stared at in public and I have had people say extremely insensitive things to me but it does not even bother me, because I have given myself a chance at life free of worry. I also learned a lot about myself. I had never experienced a major surgery nor had I ever endured such a potentially painful procedure. While it may not be easy for others, and I do recognize that, this surgery and recovery were rather easy on me. I learned that my pain tolerance is extremely high and I am truly proud of myself. I made it through the hard part and I know that the other procedures will be a lot easier.
On November 4th I will be running in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. I will be running the 5k with a whole new outlook on life. Once I get the information together I will post it for those who would like to run it with me or for those who would like to donate. At the same time I will also begin physical therapy for my left arm. As of now, I do not have much feeling in my arm and it is visibly swollen. Physical therapy will help manage the lymphedema and will help me to learn to deal with the nerve damage.
Lastly, thank you to all of my friends and family for all of your unwavering love and support. There is no way that I could have gotten through this without each and every one of you. Sitting here today, I know that I made the right decision for me.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
13.
13 is my number. For a lot of people it carries bad luck; it is the opposite for me. Growing up, I always wanted the number 13 on the back of my jerseys. My Dad and I would only go to check out stand number 13 among many other things. When I was 13, I first noticed that I was finally growing what seemed to be breasts. Of course, I was young but a lot of the other girls had already developed quite obviously and I was just excited to have anything at all, but I always loved being smaller. Now that I am older, I realize that I was always smaller because I did not have an ounce of fat on my body as a result of the multiple sports that I played. Years later, I finally caught up to the rest of the girls and grew quite attached to my breasts. I am finally letting go. I no longer look at myself with sadness. I strive for perfection in everything that I do. But as I read somewhere (I cannot remember where exactly): "You're not doing this for beauty and perfection, you're doing this for life." I have become quite at ease over the last few months as I have prepared for this life-changing surgery. I have accepted that I will let go of this part of my body and accept a new normal and gain a future less likely to include breast cancer. I truly look forward to going through this transformation and learning more about myself than I have ever known. And I look forward to the end result, that weight off of my shoulders, or should I say my chest.
As I sit here, 13 days away from my surgery date, I feel the typical nervousness that one would before having surgery but I am also excited. I will not have to live in fear of breast cancer. I hope to dedicate my life's work to helping those who deal with this awful disease and this surgery is my way of making sure that I am around, for a very long time, and able to do just that. 13 days before the big day and I am ready. I've had beautiful photographs taken by a friend's business (www.eyeforlovephoto.com), that I will always cherish. With the help of Keep A Breast, I was able to make a plaster cast of my chest that will be painted at a later day. I have purchased everything that I can think of to make me as comfortable as possible throughout recovery. I am ready and positive.
If you would have told me at the age of 13, when I bought my first bra, that in 10 short years I would undergo a skin-sparing prophylactic bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, I would have stared at you blankly. I would have never even known what any of those words meant.
I am disappointed that I will begin school this fall with nearly empty expanders but that's just the way life goes sometimes. I will get my expanders filled throughout the semester and once I am done expanding I will wait until winter break to undergo my exchange surgery. It isn't how I had initially hoped that it would happen but in the end, it will all get done and that's what matters.
I feel so blessed to have the amazing support system that I do, and I look forward to continuing to share my story with those who have joined me on this journey. This will most likely be my last post until I feel up to blogging after surgery. Thank you for allowing me to share my inner-most feelings and for the unwavering love and support.
As I sit here, 13 days away from my surgery date, I feel the typical nervousness that one would before having surgery but I am also excited. I will not have to live in fear of breast cancer. I hope to dedicate my life's work to helping those who deal with this awful disease and this surgery is my way of making sure that I am around, for a very long time, and able to do just that. 13 days before the big day and I am ready. I've had beautiful photographs taken by a friend's business (www.eyeforlovephoto.com), that I will always cherish. With the help of Keep A Breast, I was able to make a plaster cast of my chest that will be painted at a later day. I have purchased everything that I can think of to make me as comfortable as possible throughout recovery. I am ready and positive.
If you would have told me at the age of 13, when I bought my first bra, that in 10 short years I would undergo a skin-sparing prophylactic bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, I would have stared at you blankly. I would have never even known what any of those words meant.
I am disappointed that I will begin school this fall with nearly empty expanders but that's just the way life goes sometimes. I will get my expanders filled throughout the semester and once I am done expanding I will wait until winter break to undergo my exchange surgery. It isn't how I had initially hoped that it would happen but in the end, it will all get done and that's what matters.
I feel so blessed to have the amazing support system that I do, and I look forward to continuing to share my story with those who have joined me on this journey. This will most likely be my last post until I feel up to blogging after surgery. Thank you for allowing me to share my inner-most feelings and for the unwavering love and support.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Contribute.
I have not been able to post much since I have been preparing for finals. However, a lot of people have asked if I need help with anything, monetarily, supplies, or anything at all. Fortunately my medical bills are covered. I have great insurance and only need to pay a copay (which is very small) when I am admitted. As far as supplies go, I pretty much have everything that I need and anything that I don't already have I will be getting shortly so there's no need there either. If you do feel the urge to give there are two organizations that have been wonderful to me through the last few months.
www.facingourrisk.org and www.keep-a-breast.org
In addition, (and MUCH more important than myself and my needs), a good friend of mine has suffered from many complications after giving birth to her son a month ago. The bills have piled up, her husband has to miss work to help. My friend Anna is such a beautiful and strong woman, with a wonderful husband and three perfect children. They need any help they can get right now and understandably so. So if you are able to, please consider giving anything you can. And if you are unable to give, please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers as she has a long road to recovery. Below is a link to their fundraising page.
http://fundrazr.com/campaigns/4Ixd2
I appreciate everyone's willingness and desire to help! If anything, if you can take a moment to keep me in your thoughts, I really appreciate it. The power of prayer and positivity does wonders! And knowing that I have so many wonderful people supporting me has changed my life!
The only update I currently have is that they are in the process of scheduling my surgery. They have to coordinate my own schedule and both of my surgeons' schedules. If they have not contacted me by May 11th, I am to contact them. I do know that I can expect to have my mastectomy in June.
I did see my plastic surgeon recently and I did not get the news that I was hoping for. Unfortunately, I will not be having my exchange at the end of the summer. I will have my mastectomy and be completely finished with filling my expanders by the time I begin school in August. And then in December when I am on winter break, I will have my exchange and be good to go for school in January. And then hopefully soon after I can have the finishing touches done. While I am not happy that I have to wait so long to have my exchange, I know that every thing happens for a reason and 6 months of my life is so small compared to the years I am giving myself by going through this.
Once I am finished with finals (May 16th), I will write a longer post going through some of my experiences in the last month or two. There's never a dull moment with me!
Thank you again for all of the love and support!
www.facingourrisk.org and www.keep-a-breast.org
In addition, (and MUCH more important than myself and my needs), a good friend of mine has suffered from many complications after giving birth to her son a month ago. The bills have piled up, her husband has to miss work to help. My friend Anna is such a beautiful and strong woman, with a wonderful husband and three perfect children. They need any help they can get right now and understandably so. So if you are able to, please consider giving anything you can. And if you are unable to give, please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers as she has a long road to recovery. Below is a link to their fundraising page.
http://fundrazr.com/campaigns/4Ixd2
I appreciate everyone's willingness and desire to help! If anything, if you can take a moment to keep me in your thoughts, I really appreciate it. The power of prayer and positivity does wonders! And knowing that I have so many wonderful people supporting me has changed my life!
The only update I currently have is that they are in the process of scheduling my surgery. They have to coordinate my own schedule and both of my surgeons' schedules. If they have not contacted me by May 11th, I am to contact them. I do know that I can expect to have my mastectomy in June.
I did see my plastic surgeon recently and I did not get the news that I was hoping for. Unfortunately, I will not be having my exchange at the end of the summer. I will have my mastectomy and be completely finished with filling my expanders by the time I begin school in August. And then in December when I am on winter break, I will have my exchange and be good to go for school in January. And then hopefully soon after I can have the finishing touches done. While I am not happy that I have to wait so long to have my exchange, I know that every thing happens for a reason and 6 months of my life is so small compared to the years I am giving myself by going through this.
Once I am finished with finals (May 16th), I will write a longer post going through some of my experiences in the last month or two. There's never a dull moment with me!
Thank you again for all of the love and support!
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